How to Identify Your Partner’s Attachment Style
Even though we likely don’t remember our infant years, they’re one of the biggest determinants to the kinds of relationships we experience as adults. How our caregivers met our needs shapes our attachment style, though they can change over time. Today, more than half of all children show secure attachment, but that means half of us could use some more insight and support.
How can you tell your partner’s style? Consider these tell-tale signs.
Reactions to Intimacy
We’re not talking about questions like, “What do you do for work?” or “What’s your favorite dessert?” Emotional intimacy is challenging and life-altering. It’s also one of the most beautiful things we can experience.
Depending on your partner’s attachment style, asking them to open up can be a loaded question. When you try, does your partner…
Openly and honestly communicate their dreams, emotional needs, and everyday feelings with you? If so, they may have a secure attachment style.
Open up by dumping stories on you but struggle to encourage you to share yours? Or push you to share yours before you’re ready? If so, they may have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
Seem uncomfortable with deep questions or evade them by changing the subject or telling jokes? If so, they may have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
Lash out in confusion at the question or attack your character for asking? If so, they may have a disorganized attachment style.
Reactions to Needing Help
No one is capable of solving life’s problems alone. Partners are people we can trust to ease the load when it’s too heavy for one person to carry. How does your partner react when they need help?
My partner has a strong sense of responsibility for their life but is honest when they feel overwhelmed and asks me for help before things can get bad. (Secure attachment style)
I know my partner is overwhelmed because they crumble emotionally and apologize profusely when I step in to help. They sometimes sprinkle in self-deprecating comments instead of stepping up and taking more responsibility. (Anxious-preoccupied attachment)
When my partner tells me about their day, I know it was a hard one because they use short sentences and brush off stressors. They reject my offers to take the load off. (Dismissive-avoidant attachment style)
Sometimes my partner lets me help, but once I start, they critique the way I help or spiral into shame and self-hate for not being able to tackle it alone. (Disorganized attachment style)
Reactions to Personal Time
Spending time with our partners is important, but before we had our partners, we had ourselves. People with a strong sense of identity tend to have more secure relationships because they are less likely to lose themselves in the other person.
When it comes to spending time away from each other, does your partner…
Enjoy their independence without feeling separation anxiety, but also show a deeper, more honest version of themselves around you? They could have a secure attachment style.
Fixate on the details of your plans and blow up your phone with messages about how they miss you and are panicking at home alone instead of making plans for themself? They could have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
Often initiate the distance and push you away when asking to spend more time together? They could have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
Accuse you of acting unfaithfully, follow you around without your permission, and engage in abusive behaviors like locking you out of the house or giving you the cold shoulder upon return? They could have a disorganized attachment style.
Working with a counselor is a great way to determine you and your partner’s attachment styles, learn how to meet each other where you’re at, and build trust so you can feel safe and supported in love.